Introduction to Avoidance in Personality Disorders
When you think about avoidance, you probably picture someone staying away from situations that make them uncomfortable. But avoidance isn’t always that obvious. Sometimes it shows up as perfectionism, a need for control, depending on others, or keeping relationships superficial.
In my therapy practice, I see how these patterns can become part of the way you manage relationships, make decisions, and respond to difficult emotions. You may recognize that something isn’t working but still find yourself responding the same way.
What makes avoidance especially interesting in personality disorders is that it can look very different depending on what you’re trying to protect yourself from. It’s important for me to say you may have avoidance patterns and not a personality disorder. Regardless, you can improve your life in noticeable ways.
What You’ll Find in this Article
In this article, you’ll learn:
- What personality disorders are and how avoidance keeps them going
- Ways avoidance shows up in Avoidant, Narcissistic, Borderline, Dependent and Obsessive-Compulsive personality
- How therapy can help change your patterns if you have a personality disorder or unhelpful personality traits
This is the first in a two-part series about avoidance. Part 1 focuses on personality disorders. Part 2 is about anxiety disorders.
What Are Personality Disorders?
Personality disorders involve longstanding patterns of thinking, feeling, and relating to others that create problems in your relationships or everyday life. These patterns often develop early in life and become so familiar that they feel like part of who you are.
You don’t need a personality disorder diagnosis to recognize some of these traits in yourself. Most people occasionally avoid conflict, seek reassurance, or become defensive. The difference is how persistent and inflexible these patterns become and how much they interfere with your life.
The encouraging part is that even longstanding personality patterns can change.
Why Does Avoidance Develop in Personality Disorders?
Most avoidance serves a purpose. It protects you from something uncomfortable, whether that’s rejection, shame, abandonment, uncertainty, or feeling inadequate. The problem is that what helps you feel better in the moment can create bigger problems over time.
Schema Therapy, which you’ll learn about later in this article, is a deeper form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Schemas are deeply held beliefs and emotional patterns, often formed during childhood, that influence how you see yourself and other people.
For example, if you grew up feeling criticized or never quite good enough, you might develop a Defectiveness/Shame schema—the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. You may then avoid situations where someone could discover your perceived shortcomings.
In Schema Therapy, we look at three ways people cope with painful schemas:
| Coping style | What it means | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidance | Escaping painful feelings or situations | Keeping relationships superficial so you don’t feel vulnerable |
| Surrender | Accepting a negative belief as true | Letting others decide because you believe you’re incapable |
| Overcompensation | Acting opposite to a painful belief | Acting superior or controlling to protect against inadequacy |
These are different coping styles. Surrender and overcompensation aren’t technically avoidance, although they can sometimes help you avoid uncomfortable feelings.
How Avoidance Shows Up in Different Personality Disorders
Not everyone avoids the same things. One person might withdraw because they expect rejection, while another becomes controlling because mistakes feel unacceptable. Here are ways you might avoidance your fears.
| Personality pattern | What you may be avoiding | How it appears |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidance | Rejection, inadequacy | Withdrawal, missed opportunities |
| Dependent | Independence, abandonment | Excessive reliance on others |
| Narcissistic | Shame, vulnerability | Superiority, defensiveness, emotional distance |
| Obsessive-compulsive | Mistakes, loss of control | Perfectionism, rigidity, procrastination |
| Borderline | Abandonment, emotional pain | Withdrawal, emotional shutdown |
Avoidant Personality Disorder: Avoiding Rejection
You may genuinely want close friendships or a romantic relationship but hold yourself back because you’re convinced people won’t like you. This often happens with Avoidant Personality Disorder.
- Avoid dating or making new friends because you expect rejection.
- Turn down opportunities where others might evaluate you.
- Keep your opinions to yourself because you worry about criticism.
The Defectiveness/Shame schema (feeling fundamentally flawed) and Social Isolation schema (feeling different or not belonging) often play a role.
I’ve worked with clients who are comfortable interacting with people at work but avoid developing deeper relationships at work or in their personal lives. At work, they know what’s expected. Friendships require more vulnerability, which can feel risky.
Unlike social anxiety, which often focuses on particular social situations, Avoidant Personality Disorder generally involves a more pervasive sense of inadequacy affecting your relationships and self-image.
Dependent Personality Disorder: Avoiding Independence
Sometimes avoidance looks like letting someone else take charge. With Dependent Personality Disorder, you may doubt your ability to make decisions or handle responsibilities, even when you’re perfectly capable of learning.
You might:
- Ask others to make decisions you could make yourself.
- Agree with someone because you’re afraid of upsetting them.
- Avoid unfamiliar activities unless someone goes with you.
The Dependence/Incompetence schema involves believing you can’t manage on your own. You might turn down a trip because you’re convinced you couldn’t handle unexpected problems.
What’s important here is that avoiding independence reinforces the belief that you’re incapable. In Schema Therapy, this can involve both avoidance and surrender to that belief.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Avoiding Shame
Avoidance can be harder to recognize if you appear confident, successful, or superior. But underneath that confidence may be considerable sensitivity to criticism, failure, or vulnerability. Others may see the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits but not see you feel very insecure.
You might:
- Dismiss criticism or emphasize your superiority.
- Avoid situations where you might not be the best.
- Resist change or keep emotional distance in relationships.
I’ve found that some people with pronounced narcissistic patterns don’t seek therapy until a marriage or important relationship is falling apart. Even then, acknowledging their own contribution to the problem can be difficult.
In Schema Therapy, the Detached Protector mode helps you disconnect from painful feelings, while the Self-Aggrandizer mode involves acting superior to protect against feelings of inadequacy. This second response can be also be a form of overcompensation.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder: Avoiding Imperfection
Perfectionism can look like being responsible and hardworking. But when your standards become rigid, you may spend more time trying to prevent mistakes than enjoying what you’re doing. This is known as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), which is different than OCD.
You might:
- Put off projects because you’re afraid they won’t be good enough.
- Refuse to delegate because others won’t do things your way.
- Have difficulty relaxing because there’s always something to accomplish.
The Unrelenting Standards schema involves believing you must meet exceptionally high expectations. Your Demanding Critic mode is the internal voice pushing you to work harder and do more.
I often explain to clients that perfectionism isn’t always about excellence. Sometimes it’s about avoiding the discomfort of mistakes, uncertainty, or feeling that you haven’t done enough. Perfectionistic control is often overcompensation, but it can also serve an avoidant function.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Avoiding Emotional Pain
When you struggle with fears of abandonment or intense emotions, protecting yourself can sometimes mean pulling away from the very people you want to feel close to. Borderline Personality Disorder often shows up as out-of-proportion emotional reactions that seem unexplainable to you or others.
You might:
- Shut down when a conversation becomes painful.
- End a relationship first because you’re afraid of being left.
- Hide your emotional needs or distract yourself from painful feelings.
The Abandonment schema involves expecting important people to leave. The Detached Protector mode helps you shut down emotionally, while Angry Child or Impulsive Child modes involve responding through anger or impulsivity that pushes people away.
When emotional instability or safety concerns are significant, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which teaches emotion regulation and coping skills, may be appropriate before Schema Therapy.
How Avoidance Keeps Personality Patterns Going
One of the frustrating things about avoidance is that it often reinforces the very things you’re trying to escape. You may feel safer in the moment, but you don’t get the experiences that could help you develop different beliefs about yourself and others. Here are some patterns that can result in the opposite of what you really want:
| If you believe… | You might… | What happens |
|---|---|---|
| People won’t like me. | Avoid close relationships | You miss opportunities to feel accepted |
| I can’t manage alone. | Depend on others | You don’t discover what you’re capable of |
| Showing weakness is dangerous. | Hide vulnerabilities | Relationships remain emotionally distant |
| I must do everything correctly. | Avoid unfamiliar activities | You procrastinate and take longer to complete tasks |
| People will leave me. | Withdraw when hurt | Others feels pushed away |
How Schema Therapy Helps You Change Avoidance Patterns
In Schema Therapy, I don’t simply encourage you to stop avoiding things. We look at what you’re avoiding, what makes it feel threatening, and how those reactions developed. Then we work on changing both the underlying beliefs and behaviors that keep them going.
Identifying Schemas and Coping Modes
First, we identify the situations that trigger your schemas and the emotional states or coping responses, called modes, that follow.
For example, feeling excluded from a group might activate your Social Isolation schema. You feel like an outsider and withdraw, even though you want to connect with people.
Changing Your Thoughts
Schema therapy is a deeper form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). We’ll practice identifying your thinking traps and coming up with healthier ways of thinking. In addition to cognitive techniques, schema therapy also incorporates behavioral and emotion focused work to change beliefs.
Imagery Rescripting
Imagery rescripting helps you revisit emotionally significant childhood memories and address needs that weren’t met at the time. Rather than simply understanding why you developed certain beliefs, we work on changing how those experiences affect you emotionally today.
Chair Work
Chair work helps you explore different parts of yourself that may be in conflict. For example, one part of you may want independence while another is frightened of making mistakes. We work on understanding both responses and developing a healthier way forward.
Behavioral Pattern Breaking
Understanding your patterns is important, but you also need opportunities to behave differently. Depending on what you’re struggling with, we might practice:
- Expressing an opinion instead of automatically agreeing.
- Accepting criticism without becoming defensive.
- Delegating a task without correcting everything.
- Reaching out to someone instead of withdrawing.
- Expressing hurt feelings rather than pushing someone away.
I include exposures and behavioral experiments to help you test old beliefs and develop new experiences.
Strengthening Your Healthy Adult Mode
The Healthy Adult is the part of you that helps you respond to situations in a balanced, flexible way rather than automatically reacting through old schemas. Your Healthy Adult can:
- Manage emotions: Handle difficult feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
- Think realistically: Evaluate situations without automatically believing negative assumptions.
- Meet emotional needs: Recognize what you need and find healthy ways to meet those needs.
- Set boundaries: Assert yourself while respecting others.
- Make balanced decisions: Act according to your values rather than using unhealthy coping patterns.
As you strengthen your Healthy Adult, you become better able to handle uncomfortable emotions, make healthier choices, and develop more satisfying relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
No. You can have personality traits that contribute to avoidance without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder. Therapy can help you change these patterns regardless of whether you have a diagnosis.
Sometimes. Perfectionism may help you avoid mistakes, criticism, or feeling inadequate. In Schema Therapy, it’s often considered overcompensation, although it can serve an avoidant function.
Yes. You may appear confident or superior while avoiding situations that threaten your self-esteem or expose vulnerabilities.
Yes. Schema Therapy helps you change deeply ingrained schemas, coping responses, and behaviors. Research supports its effectiveness for several personality disorders, although results vary.
Getting Help for Avoidance and Personality Patterns
If you’ve noticed that avoidance patterns keep creating problems in your relationships or everyday life, Schema Therapy can help you understand what’s happening and learn to respond differently.
I’m Laura Johnson, LMFT, LPCC, an advanced certified Schema Therapist and certified Cognitive Behavior Therapist specializing in personality disorders and longstanding personality patterns. Clients seek me out across California because I’m one of the few therapists certified in this unique approach. I provide video therapy throughout California, including San Jose, San Francisco, Sacramento, Los Angeles, San Diego and beyond.
